So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
