Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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