Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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