Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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