4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
