I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
