So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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