i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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