He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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