you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
