Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
