My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
