guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
