I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
