Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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