I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
