The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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