I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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