This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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