Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
