So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
