He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
