Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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