I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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