when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
