Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
well you can't waste a boner
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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