now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
