The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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