I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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