i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
