I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
