Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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