I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
