is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
