i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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