The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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