you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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