I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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