If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
