I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
