I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
