Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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