I love black thongs
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
