Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
