Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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