apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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