Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
