True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
