There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
