Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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