just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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