ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
