Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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